To the Woman Who Loves Him Next…

I have seen this post circling Facebook many times, but it didn’t resonate with me until I saw that an ex-boyfriend had been tagged by his new girlfriend. It reads:

“To the girl who let him go, thank you. Thank you for walking out of his life, for leaving him. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love him, do things that would make him happy, to really keep him.  Thank you for hurting him. If not, he wouldn’t have learned something valuable. I will try my best, to not cause him pain, for it hurts me to see him cry.  I will do all the things that you failed to do for him like be there for him when he feels so alone, prioritize him and make him feel like he’s not just an option, give him time and affection even when he is not asking for it.  I will take care of the man that you failed to appreciate.  I will love the man that you took for granted.  I will do anything to keep him and make him stay.  I will love him for all that he is, and will support him in anything that he wants to be.  I will be the partner that you failed to become for him.  I will be the woman who will never make the same mistake that you did.  I will never let him go.”

I don’t like to get caught up in Facebook drama as many people tend to project their life is way better than it actually is.  We’ve also seen those posts that prove it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows that are later deleted to continue to portray that life is all good.  However, sometimes there are things we need to say to remind each other that we are all human, that we all make mistakes, and that in every relationship there are always at least two people involved.  This is one of those times.

To the woman who loves him next, thank you. Thank you for walking into his life, for staying with him.  Thank you for taking the opportunity to love him, do things that would make him happy, to really keep him.  I wanted to do these things for him; I tried to do these things for him.  I never meant to hurt him, but he had something valuable to learn. Thank you for trying your best not to hurt him, to cause him pain, for feeling his pain when you see him cry.  I used to do all of those things for him; I tried to be his rock when he felt so alone, to put him first so he would know he wasn’t just an option, to give him the most valuable thing I had: my time and affection even when he didn’t want it.  I tried to show him how much I appreciated him and how I would never take him for granted, but he was fighting his own inner demons.  I would have done anything to keep him and make him stay, but he had something valuable to learn.  Thank you for loving him for all that he is and supporting him in anything that he wants to be.  Thank you for being the partner that I failed to become for him because he wasn’t ready.  I prayed and wished for you to come into his life; a woman who would love and appreciate him the way that I once did.  You see, it wasn’t a mistake; I had to let him go because he had something valuable to learn.  He had to learn to be the man that you need; to appreciate you and not take you for granted, to be there for you when you feel so alone, to make you a priority, to give you the time and affection you so deserve, to support you in anything you want to be, to become the partner that so many others failed to be for you, and to love you for all that you are.  Don’t ever let him go.

And why are YOU still single? (The Single Woman’s Blog Challenge)

I am going to try this blog challenge inspired by Mandy Hale.  She is refreshing in this challenging world and I have found her to be an inspiration.

Day 1: And why are YOU still single?

What do you even say to that?  I don’t know.  I haven’t met the right person yet.  I’m picky.  I wasted too much time trying to get into a locked door.  There are so many responses I could come up with that all seem to be negative, but I am not going to continue on that path.  It’s hard to be single sometimes, especially with friends around me getting engaged, married, having children.  Sometimes I do get envious of them.  However, I need to remember one very important thing: God has called me to walk a different path than my friends.  He has something else planned for me and I have to blindly trust Him.

My answer to why I am still single is this: I am single because God is trying to show me something about our relationship that I couldn’t learn if I was attached.  He is calling me to fully trust Him.  He made Himself known recently to me.  I started reading Mandy Hale’s latest book, Beautiful Uncertainty, where she talks about her Vision Board.  She said that for one year, she decided to put only one thing on it and to truly focus on that one thing.  I thought this was a great idea.  I created my own vision board and put my one thing on it.  A week later, God began His work.  My vision was this: To fully rely on God by becoming a non-smoker.  I was in the least ideal situation ever for quitting smoking.  I was broke, I had zero physical support from anyone because all of my close friends and family were back home in Ohio and I was living alone in Chicago, and I had been battling mental health issues for many years that had recently worsened.

I went to church that first night and participated in Stations of the Cross for the first time and this experience is what got me through.  It was God’s way of telling me that Jesus was already carrying this cross for me; that He had not abandoned me.  That I had to have faith in Him to get me through.  That is exactly what He did.  I went four weeks without a cigarette, and broke and had a few.  This here shows me that God and I are still working on my reliance on Him.  He wants me to see that He is still with me even though I made that mistake.  He is showing me that He is not giving up on me.  He is showing me how I deserve to be treated and calling me to keep my eyes only on Him.  So in short, I am still single because God is teaching me what a good relationship looks and feels like, and only when I can be completely satisfied with Him, will He show me a man worthy of loving.

29 Days…

I did it! I quit smoking!  I had hoped to begin sooner to try to quit, but that day didn’t come until a couple months later.  It happened though and I broke my record of 22 days without a cigarette.  Although, I have to admit that I broke on the beginning of day 30.  I drank too much, I was angry and hurt with someone, and I couldn’t handle it.  I bought a pack and had a few.  I’m not going to lie – they were amazing!  But I woke up and once I had remembered what I had done I just shook my head.  I tried smoking one that morning, but it was gross and made me feel like I was going to be sick so I threw it and the rest of the pack out.  I haven’t had a craving for them since.

It was by the grace of God that I was able to quit.  I didn’t want to quit.  I was forced into due to my financial situation.  I went to church the first night and participated in my first “Stations of the Cross.”  This was exactly what I needed.  It reminded me that God will never abandon me, that He is right here with me, carrying this cross just like I am.  I’ve had difficult moments along the way, but I’ve continued to persevere.  I look at my smoking on Day 30 as a lapse; nothing more, nothing less.  I’m not going back to being a smoker.  I refuse to give it control over me again.

That being said, I think it’s also time to take a break from alcohol.  I lost 10 pounds two months prior to quitting, and have gained those 10 pounds back.  I am blaming myself for replacing quitting with eating and drinking too much.  Alcohol does make it worse, but I wanted to make myself learn to live without it.  And up until day 30, I was doing just that.  I am training for a 10k and will be changing my eating habits back to strictly healthy.  I mentioned in my first blog about working on living a healthy lifestyle and am going to focus on the physical side for awhile.  I have to do this.  I have to get my life back on track. Here it goes…

How to Live With Abandon

Here is a step-by-step guide on how to live with abandon…  Just kidding!

For my first blog, I want to express gratitude that you are taking the time to read this – thank you!  My goal is to share my thoughts and lessons I learn along the way and to connect with others who are going through similar experiences.  I am striving to live with abandon through living a life of love.  I have made plenty of mistakes throughout my life thus far, but now is the time to analyze and change the parts of me that need changing.  This is a lifelong process, but I am willing to commit myself to this journey.

So what needs changing?  Last year for Lenten Season, my goal was to become a healthier person: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  With each of these subparts, I listed a few ways on how to do just that.  I liked these goals so much that they have been posted on my wall ever since as a reminder that they are part of a lifelong process.  This blog is about working toward those goals; putting my faith in God so that I may live with abandon and surrender to His plan for me.

I always try to do too much at one time and end up burying myself and not completing anything.  Have you ever experienced this?  However, sometimes things go hand-in-hand and it’s hard to do/give up one without the other.  I am specifically referring to the fact that I am a smoker and I drink alcohol.  I have been a pack-a-day smoker for almost 10 years now.  I have tried to quit several times through nicotine aids (the patch, gum, lozenges), through medication (Wellbutrin, Chantix), and cold turkey.  The longest I ever went was cold turkey – a solid 22 days.  I had a few on day 22, and then went another week without any, broke again, and then a few days more until I gave up and decided to try again another time.  During this cold turkey time, I did not drink alcohol.  If you have ever been a smoker, you know that a cigarette enhances the effect of alcohol.  This is how I started smoking, and now they go hand-in-hand for me.

So, I’m at that point again.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”  My body is a temple.  The Bible says it, so how am I taking care of it by smoking?  I joined a gym in the summer and have been going pretty consistently (3-5 times per week).  My lungs are fine during the run, but once I stop, I usually cannot stop coughing.  I think to myself, “your body is capable of such amazing things, but you are hindering it by keeping this toxic habit.”

I also see how this habit has affected my family, friendships, work… what good does it really bring?  It brings a way to stifle my reactions to feelings and emotions; instead of dealing with my problems, I avoid them.  I am a shy, introvert.  I use cigarettes as a means to escape uncomfortable social situations.  One of my professors was teaching on self-esteem and how cigarettes can affect a person.  He said that if an individual was a smoker, he or she would not be able to have a truly positive self-esteem.  I don’t know if it’s because he said this or because it is true, but I have found that I have continuously struggled with maintaining positive self-esteem.

I don’t like that I am a smoker.  I don’t like the smell of it. I don’t like paying for them.  Most importantly, I don’t like my dependency on nicotine and how much of an affect it has on me if I don’t have it.  It takes around 3 days to get nicotine out of the system.  THREE days!  That’s it!  After that, the need for cigarettes is no longer physical, but mental.  It becomes a mind game.

So my first step in living with abandon is to quit smoking, and to go along with it to try to improve my chances at success, to stop drinking alcohol indefinitely.  I will share more thoughts about my adventures with alcohol later on, but this is where it begins with me.  To anyone out there who is struggling with quitting smoking, know that you are not alone.  Three days is all it takes to rid most of the nicotine from your body.  There is always hope, and we can do this together through the grace of God.